This red thread is about to break.

If you say you don't believe in love, fuck you. Because you are essentially saying I will never be able to fall in love. There is no such thing as "lust" for me. That doesn't apply to me. That isn't what I can feel. I do not feel sexual attraction towards anyone. And you're going to sit there and tell me that love does not exist, that I am going to be forever left alone, that the only option I have is lust?

Fuck you.

This is not a matter of opinion. This is a matter of personal pride, that I have to defend myself and others like me against views like this. Because you are basically denying me the right to feel. You are degrading me and my feelings and you are dumping me in the gutter, saying I am not even human because all I am supposed to have is lust, something I can't feel.

Fuck you.

The radio told me I am redefining love.  Good. Because obviously it needs to be redefine. I understand that love can do terrible things and I understand that love doesn't save you and I understand that lust is a thing people mistake with love. But the fact of the matter is, love exists. You can not deny the existence of something just because you have never seen a positive outcome of it. There are things love can't save you from, things like anger and depression. I have seen people who are so in love with each other, but it didn't save them. That's not what love is supposed to do. It isn't supposed to be easy.

Love is hard.

It isn't eternal, it isn't forever, it changes. Like any feeling. You think you're happy and that you couldn't be happier, and then sometime later you'll feel something strong and you have to keep calling it happy, even if it isn't the same. Words are imperfect and so is love. How the hell do you define love? How the hell are you supposed to take this feeling that is so encompassing and so complicated and pin some pathetic little four-letter word like "love" on it and point to it and say, "That's it."

Because that's not what love is.

So don't you dare go telling me that something like that doesn't exist, because if I can't believe in love I can't believe in anything other than lust. And I've got no hope of ever experiencing any relationships if I can't have love.

And I'm sorry, but I don't think I could handle being that hopeless.

nobara no hanayomeGood

Nothing of value ever came out of my mouth.

Even I get self-conscious sometimes.

And I know that I'm really bad at being a normal person. Probably because of that whole asexual-thing (not like the asexual reproduction, I mean like I'm not sexually attracted to anyone including you) but also because I just don't know how to not be sarcastic and surly.

That's just how I am. And I'm trying to keep up my poetic spirit and all but it's really difficult when I seem to have lost it sometime between last May and now.

Maybe it's because I haven't been to Paris in so long that I've just forgotten what it feels like to be a tourist or maybe it's because my heart disappeared with him last December.

I didn't have nearly as many medications and I didn't have nearly as many friends but I also didn't have to miss my cat so damn much.

Please just forget about me and pretend I don't exist so I can be negative all on my own.