I have hatred in my heart.

This isn't going to be anything but emotional vomit, so I apologize.

I have to write this down because I am sick. Like, literally sick to my stomach over a horror movie.

So I know that sounds lame, and I haven't even seen this movie. But it's this horror movie coming out this year I guess. I don't even want to know the release date. That is how completely sick I am over this movie.

This horror movie is called The Forest. I had the misfortune of watching the trailer while scrolling through my instagram (because ads these days are everywhere whether you want them or not), and I had the urge to scream, vomit, and nearly lost my faith in all humanity all in one moment.

Because this movie is vile.

I don't even know all the details or the premise but I don't care. This movie is a horror movie that supposedly takes place in a forest in Japan called the Aokigahara forest. This forest is nicknamed "the suicide forest". Because every year a disturbing amount of people go there to take their lives. This is REAL and Hollywood took this real issue real people are dealing with and turned it into a horror movie. A horror movie which as far as I can tell from the trailer, is completely white washed and utterly lacking in any actual cultural sensitivity or understanding whatsoever.

I am completely horrified. If that was Hollywood's goal, to produce a movie so awful it can make someone sick just from viewing the trailer, they have accomplished their goal. I can safely say I have never been so disturbed over a movie in my life.

More than anything though, I am sad. I am so unbelievably sorrowful about this movie. Because besides the Golden Gate Bridge, Aokigahara has the most suicides annually, yet instead of raising awareness of this current issue, the filmmakers decided to throw all of the feelings and suffering of all those people into the proverbial trash just so they could make money. Depression and suicide are real problems real people suffer with every day. But because this forest isn't in America, isn't a suicide place for white people, it can be made light of. It can be turned into a form of entertainment. 

And I know some ignorant people would try to argue with me about this, but the only movie related to the Golden Gate Bridge suicides is a DOCUMENTARY ABOUT DEPRESSION AND THE POOR VICTIMS WHO TOOK THEIR LIVES. It is a social wake up call to the real issues of people suffering with severe mental health problems. It is a plea to help others. It isn't even close to a fucking horror movie. 

It'll soon be worth it when I get there.

People don't like anger.
They hide it away and keep it under the rug.
No, you can't yell indoors. No, you can't break that vase. Those are the rules.
And why wouldn't they put it in the dark place no one likes to go?
Anger is ugly.
People don't like ugly.

I'm an angry person.
Does that make me ugly?

My friends think they get it. They think my anger is when I yell every day or when I glare or threaten them.
It's not.
My anger is deep down inside me. It's a beast.
It's wild.
My anger is when I go silent. The kind of silent that sucks the color out of the world.
It's scary.
My anger makes me shake, makes me vibrate, makes me see red at the fringes of my vision.
It's bright.
My anger makes my veins burn with adrenaline. It sets me on fire.
It's hot.

When I'm angry, I run. Run until I cough blood and my legs ache. I pace and turn and inhale, exhale. The cold air makes it better, makes me remember I'm here and can control my anger.
If I break myself, I won't have to break others.

When I'm angry, reason fades away. There's only the now, the moment. There's the threat and the option of fight or flight. Anger makes me pick fight. Anger makes me hurt them. Makes me want take their ability to breathe.
My anger is explosive and frightens me.

Now please don't be afraid. Please, don't think I'm broken. I promise I won't hurt you. I promise I won't explode on you. No, darling, don't apologize. Never you, I'd never hurt you. Don't look at me with those eyes, those eyes that see that dark part of me. The ugly part of me.

Anger is ugly.

I guess that makes me ugly, too.

But I already knew that anyway.